Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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