I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We were destined to go to rehab together
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
