Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
