I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
