The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
