If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
