My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
