Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
