im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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