I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
