god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
