Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
