I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
