Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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