It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
