So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
