In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
