Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
