It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
