On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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