I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
