the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
There's even glitter on my cock...
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