The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you made out with another girl for some wings
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
