it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
