I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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