I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
