masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
40s are totally the cure
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize