I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
