i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
