I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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