i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
