Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
