I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
