We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
