I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
