I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
