it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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