i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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