can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
