I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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