Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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