genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
