She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize