Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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