i don't plan on having that self control this summer
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
