This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize