I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
When did angry sex become our thing?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My vagina is officially offended.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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