Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
