Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
