I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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