So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
