im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
