I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
