i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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