I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
