I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
