when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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