dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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