I could make wine with my vomit
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
