i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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