i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
