I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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