I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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