I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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