don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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