Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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