I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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