Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
