I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
