just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize