my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
