Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
